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Occupations Jokes
[Lawyer] [Psycho] [Rich] [Other]
Lawyer
Whats the difference between a
dead lawyer and a dead possum lying in
the road? The skid marks in front of the possum!____________new!
Whats the difference between a
lawyer and a prostitute?
The prostitute stops screwin' ya after your dead.____________new!
How do you keep a lawyer from
drowning?
Take your foot off his head.____________new!
There was this guy who liked to
hit lawyers with his car. One day he saw a priest
who's car was broken down on side of the road, so
to be nice he decided to give him a ride. They
were driving and the man saw a lawyer, so he
instictively went to hit him, then he thought
"Oh my gosh I have a priest in my car."
So the man swerved out of the way of the lawyer.
At the same time the priest opened the door. Then
the man said, "I'm so sorry, I almost hit a
lawyer." And the priest said,"That's
O.K. I got him with the door." ____________new!
A guy walks into a post office
one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically
placing
"Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes
with hearts all over
them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and
starts spraying
scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes
up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing. The
man says
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards
signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man
replies.____________new!
A lawyer soliciting a potential
client told the man he got his
last three clients suspended. What he didn't
mention was that
they were all hung. ____________new!
Judge: I find the defendant
innocent.
Defendant: Does that mean I can keep the money?
Q: What's the difference between
a lawyer and a bag of shit?
A: The bag.
A lawyer was walking in Central
Park. As he was walking he stepped in some dog
shit. He took a couple of steps looked down at
his foot and said "Oh no I'm melting".
- A lawyer was talking to his client who just
committed murder. "I have some good news,
and some bad news. The bad news is that you're
getting the electric chair." His client said
"That's terrible!! Well, what's the good
news? " The lawyer said "I got the
voltage lowered".
- Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a
lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St.
Peter informed them that in order to get into
Heaven, they would each have to each answer one
question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked,
"What was the name of the ship that crashed
into the iceberg? They just made a movie about
it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be
the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the
gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring
Heaven didn't really need all the odors that this
guy would bring with him, decided to make the
question a little harder: "How many people
died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen
the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name
them." ____________new!
Phsyco
- A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office
complaining that no one ever pays any attention
to him. "NEXT!" replies the
psychiatrist.
- How many psychiatrists does it take to change a
light bulb? Answer: Only one, but the light bulb
has to WANT to change.
- Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.If
you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1
repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask
someone to press 2. If you have multiple
personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you
are paranoid-delusional...
Rich
- A businessman walked into a New York City bank
and asked for the loan officer. He said he was
going to Europe on business for two weeks and
needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said
the bank would need some security for such a
loan. The business man then handed over the keys
to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in
front of the bank. Everything checked out and the
loan officer accepted the car as collateral for
the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into
the bank's underground garage and parked it
there.
Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid
the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, 'We do appreciate your
business and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were
away we checked and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you
would bother to borrow $5,000?'
The business man replied: 'Where else in New York
City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?'
Other
- At about 3:00, a plane took off for New York. On
the plane there was a pilot, boy scout, priest,
and the smartest man in the world. All of a
sudden the engine blows up and the plane starts
going down. The people are startled and start
looking for the parachutes. They find them but
there are only 3 parachutes. The pilot takes one
and says 'This is my plane so I get a parachute.'
And then jumps out the door. The smartest man in
the world grabs one and says, 'I'm the smartest
man in the world and the they will need me down
there' And then jumps out the door. The priest
goes and grabs the last parachute and says, 'I
need to spread my wisdom around the world. Sorry
kid.' Then the boy scout all the sudden speaks up
and says, 'No...Thats okay. The smartest man in
the world just took my nap sack!'
- Three engineers are riding in a car: an
electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a
Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car stalls and
stops by the side of the road. The three
engineers look at each other with bewilderment,
wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer, not knowing much about
mechanics, suggests, "Let's strip down the
electronics of the car and try to trace where a
fault might have occurred."
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about
electronics, suggests, "Maybe the fuel has
become emulsified and is causing a blockage
somewhere in the system."
The Microsoft engineer suggests, "Why don't
we close all the windows, get out, get back in,
open the windows again, and maybe it will
work."
- A boy was crossing a road one day
when a frog called out to him and said, "If
you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful
princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog
and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again
and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you
for one week."
The boy took the frog out of his
pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the
pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you
kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll
stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the boy took the frog out,
smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked,
"What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a
week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss
me?"
The boy said, "Look I'm a
software engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
- The local bar was so sure that its
bartender was the strongest man around that they
offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender
would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran
into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice
out would win the money. Many people had tried
over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.),
but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man
came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester
suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice,
"I'd like to try the bet." After the
laughter had died down, the bartender said okay,
grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he
handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the
little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to
total silence as the man clenched his fist around
the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the
bartender payed the $1,000, and asked the little
man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a
lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for
the IRS."
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