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Generic Jokes
- Bob is sitting at a bar, talking to his hand as
if it were a phone. The man gets up and goes to
the bathroom. Another man follows Bob. Bob is
standing with his hands spread out against the
wall and a piece of toilet paper hanging out of
his ass. the man asks What the hell are you
doing? and bob replys, RECIEVING A FAX!_____new!
- FATHER: "When you go back to your Mom's
tonight, give her this
envelope and tell her that since you are now 18,
this is the LAST
check she'll ever see from me for child support.
Then, stand back and watch the expression on her
face."
DAUGHTER: "O.K."
Later.......
DAUGHTER: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you
this envelope. He said to
tell you that since I'm now 18, this is the LAST
child support
Payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm
supposed to stand
back and watch the expression on your face."
MOTHER: "Next time you visit your father,
tell him that after 18
years I have decided to inform him that he's not
your father. Then,
stand back and watch the expression on HIS
face."____________new!
- There is a blond, a brunette, and a red head and
they are all stranded on an Island. The red head
decides to swim off the island and then she will
get help for the others. She gets about 1/4 of
the way and she doesn't think that she can make
it so she swims back, when she gets back the
brunette decides she'll swim but she only gets
about 1/3 of the way there and she doesn't think
she'll make it so she turns back. So the blond
says that she'll go and so she does. She gets 1/2
way and doesn't think she'll make it the rest of
the way so she swims back.____________new!
- There were three blondes stranded on an island,
each had one wish to get themselves to land, the
first blond wished to be 10 times smarter, and a
genie turned her into a brunette and she swam to
land, the second blonde wished to be 10 times
smarter than the first, the genie turned her into
a brunette and she swam to land, the third blonde
wished to be 100 times smarter than the second,
the genie turned her into a man and he walked
across the bridge. ____________new!
- Q: how does Bill Gates change a lightbulb?
A: he doesn't, he just makes darkness the new
standard
- In a unisex bathroom there was a mirror that
sucked anybody who lied
into it. One day a lawyer walked into the
bathroom and said, "I think
that I'm a great person." Bam he was gone.
The next day a IRS agent
walked into the restroom and said, "I think
everybody respects the IRS."
Bam he was gone. The very next day a beautiful
lady walked into a
restroom and said, "I think---". Bam
she was gone.__________good!
- An old couple are sitting on the front porch
rocking in their chairs. all
of a sudden, the man swats his wife. she sits for
a minute, then asks
"what was that for". "fifty years
of lousy sex" he replies. they rock
some more and all of a sudden the wife swats her
husband. he sits for a
minute, then asks "what was that for".
"because you know the difference"
she replies.
- 3 men sat on a ledge of the building they were
doing construction work on each man opened his
lunch box... the Mexican says Man! Tacos again...
if she gives me tacos one more time I am gonna
jump off this ledge! the Italian opens his lunch
box's and says man spaghetti if she gives me
spaghetti one more time I am gonna jump off this
ledge! The American opens his box and says man
baloni if I get baloni one more time I am gonna
jump off this ledge. So thenext day they sit down
to lunch and the Mexican opens his box tacos!!!
so he jumps... the Italian opens his box
Spaghetti!!! so he jumps... the American opens
his box..... baloni!!! so he jumps...the next
dayat the funeral the Mexican wife says if only
he had told me that he didn't want tacos.... the
Italian wife says if only he had told me that he
didn't want spaghetti... the American wife cried
and said he fixed his own dam lunch.
- A blonde has been planning this trip to
Louisianna for a while. She gets there and
decides to buy some official alligator skin
shoes. She goes into the store and the clerk
tells her the price. She says, "THOSE COST
WAY TO MUCH. I AM GOING TO KILL MY OWN ALLIGATOR
AND GET ALLIGATOR SHOES!" So the store clerk
spots the women waist deep in the swamp with a
shotgun pointing it right down the nose of a
gator coming right for her. Surprisingly she
shoots and kills it. She drags it to the shore
where there are six more gators! Then the clerk
hears her yell, "OH MAN! THIS ONE ISN'T
WEARING SHOES EITHER!"
- An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a
check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the
doctor askes him, "So how has life been
treating you?" The old man replies,
"The Lord's been good to me. Every night
when I go to the bathroom, He turn s the light on
and when I'm finished, He turns the light
off." While the old woman is with the
doctor, the doctor tells her what her husband
said. She replied "Damn it! The old fart's
been pissin in the ice box again!"
- Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff.
The first guy says to the other guys "You
know, if had just one more beer, I think I could
fly." The second guy says "No
Way!" So the first guy orders a beer and
drinks it. Then all three guys walk ou t to the
edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off,
starts falling to the ground, and then flies back
to the top of the cliff.
The second guy is totally amazed, so he says
"You know, if I had another beer, I bet I
could do that too." So all three guys go
into the bar, and the second guy has another
beer. After he finished, he said "Ok, I will
be able to fly now" So they all went outside
and the second guy jumped off of the cliff and
feel to the bottom, where he hit the ground and
died instantly. The third guy turned to the first
guy and said "You know Superman, you are a
real jerk when you drink" ____________new!
- Granny was visiting town for the first time. She
checks in at the hotel, and the bellboy takes her
bags. She follows the boy, and as the door
closes, she looks around and shakes her fist at
him. "Young man, I may be old, and straight
from the hills, b ut that don't mean I'm stupid!
I paid good money, and this room won't do at all!
It's too small, and without proper ventilation!
Why there's not even a bed!" The bellhop
looks at her and says, "Ma'am, this isn't
your room, It's the elevator!" ____________new!
- A boy came home from school one day and his
mother said that the office had called her and
that he had been distracting the class all day
long. So the mother takes her son upstairs to his
room and looks at him sternly. Then she sighs and
says: "okay, Johnny, Take off all my
clothes. And I mean ALL of them." Johnny
says: "Mom, do I have to??" and the
mother says "yes." So Johnny takes off
all her clothes and then the mother says:
"Now you must promise never to wear my
clothes to school again, Johnny." ____________new!
- A burglar was in a dark house. When he picked up
the T.V. a voice said "Jesus is watching
you." He dropped the T.V. and whirled around
his flashlight looking for someone without any
luck. After picking up the VCR the voice said
once again "Jesus is watching you." He
dropped the VCR and demanded "Who said
that?" A voice in the back of the room said
"Me, Clarence!" He spotted a parrot
with the flashlight and said "Did you say
that?" Clarence acknowledged. The burglar
then asked "Who would name a Parrot
Clarence?" To which Clarence replied
"The same guy who named the rottweiller
Jesus!"
- In the days where tall, wooden ships sailed the
high seas, there was this famost ship sailing
during the war. That morning, the lookout
shouted, "enemy ship on the horizon."
The captain said to his ensign, "Get me my
red shirt." The ensign did as his captain
ordered. Thought the battle was a long one, the
captain and his crew managed to fend off the
enemy ship. Another day, the lookout shouted,
"two enemy ships on the horizon." As
before, the captain said to his ensign, "Get
me my red shirt." And, as before, the ensign
did as his captain asked. The battle took the
rest of the day to fight, and managed to defeat
the two enemy ships. That evening, the ensign
asked his captain, "Sir, Why, before every
battle, do you ask for your red shirt." The
captain replied, "Well, if I am wounded in
battle, the blood will not show and the crew will
continue to fight." The crew was listening,
and they were impressed. They had a brave
captain. The next morning, the lookout sho uted,
"TEN enemy ships on the horizon ! And frome
the elite fleet !" The ensign looked at his
captain, waiting for the usual orders. The
captain said to his ensign, "E... E...
Ensign, get me my brown pants..."
- An explorer was walking trough the jungle, and
suddently, he found himself surrounded by
dangerous cannibals. "I'm fucking
dead", said the explorer. Then, a bright
light came from the sky and a voice from the sky
said "Not yet, take your knife, and cut the
throat of the leader". The explorer did what
the voice said. The cannibals began to scream.
The voice from the sky said "NOW, you are
fucking death"__________good!
- An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He
smelled the aroma of
his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He
wanted one last
cookie before he died.
He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing,
rolled down the
stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his
wife was busily
baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled
to the table and
was just barely able to lift his withered arm to
the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip
cookie, his favorite
kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a
spatula.
"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you
do that?" "They're for the
funeral."__________good!
- Bob is sitting at a bar, talking to his hand as
if it were a phone. The
man gets up and goes to the bathroom. Another man
follows Bob. Bob is
standing with his hands spread out against the
wall and a piece of
toilet paper hanging out of his ass. the man asks
What the hell are you
doing? and bob replys, RECIEVING A FAX!____________new!
- FATHER: "When you go back to your Mom's
tonight, give her this
envelope and tell her that since you are now 18,
this is the LAST
check she'll ever see from me for child support.
Then, stand back and watch the expression on her
face."
DAUGHTER: "O.K."
Later.......
DAUGHTER: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you
this envelope. He said to
tell you that since I'm now 18, this is the LAST
child support
Payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm
supposed to stand
back and watch the expression on your face."
MOTHER: "Next time you visit your father,
tell him that after 18
years I have decided to inform him that he's not
your father. Then,
stand back and watch the expression on HIS
face."____________new!
- There were three blondes stranded on an island,
each had one wish to get themselves to land, the
first blond wished to be 10 times smarter, and a
genie turned her into a brunette and she swam to
land, the second blonde wished to be 10 times
smarter than the first, the genie turned her into
a brunette and she swam to land, the third blonde
wished to be 100 times smarter than the second,
the genie turned her into a man and he walked
across the bridge. ____________new!
- Q: how does Bill Gates change a lightbulb?
A: he doesn't, he just makes darkness the new
standard
- In a unisex bathroom there was a mirror that
sucked anybody who lied
into it. One day a lawyer walked into the
bathroom and said, "I think
that I'm a great person." Bam he was gone.
The next day a IRS agent
walked into the restroom and said, "I think
everybody respects the IRS."
Bam he was gone. The very next day a beautiful
lady walked into a
restroom and said, "I think---". Bam
she was gone.__________good!
- An old couple are sitting on the front porch
rocking in their chairs. all
of a sudden, the man swats his wife. she sits for
a minute, then asks
"what was that for". "fifty years
of lousy sex" he replies. they rock
some more and all of a sudden the wife swats her
husband. he sits for a
minute, then asks "what was that for".
"because you know the difference"
she replies.
- 3 men sat on a ledge of the building they were
doing construction work on each man opened his
lunch box... the Mexican says Man! Tacos again...
if she gives me tacos one more time I am gonna
jump off this ledge! the Italian opens his lunch
box's and says man spaghetti if she gives me
spaghetti one more time I am gonna jump off this
ledge! The American opens his box and says man
baloni if I get baloni one more time I am gonna
jump off this ledge. So thenext day they sit down
to lunch and the Mexican opens his box tacos!!!
so he jumps... the Italian opens his box
Spaghetti!!! so he jumps... the American opens
his box..... baloni!!! so he jumps...the next
dayat the funeral the Mexican wife says if only
he had told me that he didn't want tacos.... the
Italian wife says if only he had told me that he
didn't want spaghetti... the American wife cried
and said he fixed his own dam lunch.
- A blonde has been planning this trip to
Louisianna for a while. She gets there and
decides to buy some official alligator skin
shoes. She goes into the store and the clerk
tells her the price. She says, "THOSE COST
WAY TO MUCH. I AM GOING TO KILL MY OWN ALLIGATOR
AND GET ALLIGATOR SHOES!" So the store clerk
spots the women waist deep in the swamp with a
shotgun pointing it right down the nose of a
gator coming right for her. Surprisingly she
shoots and kills it. She drags it to the shore
where there are six more gators! Then the clerk
hears her yell, "OH MAN! THIS ONE ISN'T
WEARING SHOES EITHER!"
- An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a
check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the
doctor askes him, "So how has life been
treating you?" The old man replies,
"The Lord's been good to me. Every night
when I go to the bathroom, He turn s the light on
and when I'm finished, He turns the light
off." While the old woman is with the
doctor, the doctor tells her what her husband
said. She replied "Damn it! The old fart's
been pissin in the ice box again!"
- Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff.
The first guy says to the other guys "You
know, if had just one more beer, I think I could
fly." The second guy says "No
Way!" So the first guy orders a beer and
drinks it. Then all three guys walk ou t to the
edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off,
starts falling to the ground, and then flies back
to the top of the cliff.
The second guy is totally amazed, so he says
"You know, if I had another beer, I bet I
could do that too." So all three guys go
into the bar, and the second guy has another
beer. After he finished, he said "Ok, I will
be able to fly now" So they all went outside
and the second guy jumped off of the cliff and
feel to the bottom, where he hit the ground and
died instantly. The third guy turned to the first
guy and said "You know Superman, you are a
real jerk when you drink" ____________new!
- Granny was visiting town for the first time. She
checks in at the hotel, and the bellboy takes her
bags. She follows the boy, and as the door
closes, she looks around and shakes her fist at
him. "Young man, I may be old, and straight
from the hills, b ut that don't mean I'm stupid!
I paid good money, and this room won't do at all!
It's too small, and without proper ventilation!
Why there's not even a bed!" The bellhop
looks at her and says, "Ma'am, this isn't
your room, It's the elevator!" ____________new!
- A boy came home from school one day and his
mother said that the office had called her and
that he had been distracting the class all day
long. So the mother takes her son upstairs to his
room and looks at him sternly. Then she sighs and
says: "okay, Johnny, Take off all my
clothes. And I mean ALL of them." Johnny
says: "Mom, do I have to??" and the
mother says "yes." So Johnny takes off
all her clothes and then the mother says:
"Now you must promise never to wear my
clothes to school again, Johnny." ____________new!
- A burglar was in a dark house. When he picked up
the T.V. a voice said "Jesus is watching
you." He dropped the T.V. and whirled around
his flashlight looking for someone without any
luck. After picking up the VCR the voice said
once again "Jesus is watching you." He
dropped the VCR and demanded "Who said
that?" A voice in the back of the room said
"Me, Clarence!" He spotted a parrot
with the flashlight and said "Did you say
that?" Clarence acknowledged. The burglar
then asked "Who would name a Parrot
Clarence?" To which Clarence replied
"The same guy who named the rottweiller
Jesus!"
- In the days where tall, wooden ships sailed the
high seas, there was this famost ship sailing
during the war. That morning, the lookout
shouted, "enemy ship on the horizon."
The captain said to his ensign, "Get me my
red shirt." The ensign did as his captain
ordered. Thought the battle was a long one, the
captain and his crew managed to fend off the
enemy ship. Another day, the lookout shouted,
"two enemy ships on the horizon." As
before, the captain said to his ensign, "Get
me my red shirt." And, as before, the ensign
did as his captain asked. The battle took the
rest of the day to fight, and managed to defeat
the two enemy ships. That evening, the ensign
asked his captain, "Sir, Why, before every
battle, do you ask for your red shirt." The
captain replied, "Well, if I am wounded in
battle, the blood will not show and the crew will
continue to fight." The crew was listening,
and they were impressed. They had a brave
captain. The next morning, the lookout sho uted,
"TEN enemy ships on the horizon ! And frome
the elite fleet !" The ensign looked at his
captain, waiting for the usual orders. The
captain said to his ensign, "E... E...
Ensign, get me my brown pants..."
- An explorer was walking trough the jungle, and
suddently, he found himself surrounded by
dangerous cannibals. "I'm fucking
dead", said the explorer. Then, a bright
light came from the sky and a voice from the sky
said "Not yet, take your knife, and cut the
throat of the leader". The explorer did what
the voice said. The cannibals began to scream.
The voice from the sky said "NOW, you are
fucking death"__________good!
- An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He
smelled the aroma of
his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He
wanted one last
cookie before he died.
He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing,
rolled down the
stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his
wife was busily
baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled
to the table and
was just barely able to lift his withered arm to
the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip
cookie, his favorite
kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a
spatula.
"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you
do that?" "They're for the
funeral."__________good!
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