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Sex and Dirty Jokes
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One day a man got on the bus and saw a nun.
He started to have sexual Thoughts about her and tried to stop but
she looked so good that he couldn't Stop. So once she got off the
bus the man asked the bus driver if he knew Where she was going. The
bus driver said to meet the nun at the church at 8:0op.m dressed like
jesus. He went there dressed like jesus. This Surprised the nun and
she asked him what she needed to do and he said have anal sex with
him. Afterwards, the man said I have a confession to make and he told
her he wasn't jesus but the man on the bus. The nun then said she
had a confession also. She was the busdriver..__________new!
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The elderly Italian man went to his parish
priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of
course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful
woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans;
I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need
to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to
pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued
the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk
-you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had
found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will
balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the
priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load
off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked,
"Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".__________new!
__________good!
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A man who recently had a sex-change operation
was talking to his former buddies at work about the operation. "Was
it painful?" someone asked. "Well," she said. "There
was one part that was extremely painful." "I bet I know
what part was so painful," someone else said. "I bet it
was when they cut off your balls," they said. "No,"
she said. "I was heavily sedated and didn't feel a thing."
"Then it must have been when they cut off your pecker,"
another person offered. "No," she said. "I was sedated
then too, and didn't feel anything." "Then what part of
the operation was so painful?" They wanted to know. "Well,"
she said. "After they were done cutting, they stuck a straw in
my ear and sucked out half of my brains."
(Nickname: Butthead).__________new!
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One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She
was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life
she asked him how he managed for sex."What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole
in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong. I'll show
you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down
on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said,
"You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an
almighty kick, right in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What
the hell did you do that for?"
"Checking for bees!" said Tarzan.
__________new! __________good!
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An old couple returning from florida cross
the border. The customs agent ask the man "did you buy anything
while in the US. the man answers no. the man's wife asks her husband
"what did he say?". the man tells his wife "the agent
wants to know if we bought anything". the customs agent asks
the man where he is from. the man answers "toronto". the
man's wife says "what did he say?" the man tells his wife
"he wanted to know where we were from. the agent says to the
man " i was in toronto once, i had the worst sex ever in my life
in toronto." the man's wife says "what did he say?"
the husband tells his wife "he thinks he knows you dear"__________new!
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This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard
his mother moaning. He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her.
When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her
bed naked and rubbing herself and saying"I need a man, I need
a man"
So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again,
but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check
it out, this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his
mother in bed with a man. So the boy runs back to his room, strips
all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while
saying "I need a bike, I need a bike"!!!!!__________new!
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A man gets shipwrecked on a small island.
After a few days wandering, he comes across a tribe of natives who
have just lost their chieftan.
The tribe's high priest tells the man that as he is the first outsider
they have seen in twenty years, he must take three tests. If he passes
al three tests, the tribe will accept him as their new chief. "fair
enough," says the man. "Just let me know what the tests
are and I'll get right on them." The piest takes him to a clearing
with three straw huts in it, turns tothe man and explains the tests.
"In the first hut, you'll find 20 gallons of our native beer.
You must drink all of this to complete this test. In the second hut
is a gorilla with a sore tooth. You must pull his tooth and survive
to pass this test. In the third hut is the ex-chieftan's daughter.
You must make love to her until she can take nomore."
The man agrees to the tests and begns the first test. Three hours
later, he walks out of the hut and goes toward the second hut. The
priest asks if he would like to have a rest, but the man says he wants
to get all the tests done before he sleeps. He goes into th second
hut. After two hours he comes out covered from head to toe in blood
and sctratches. He turns to the priest and says "Now lead me
to the girl with the sore tooth."!!!!!!!! __________good!_
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Two rabbis prepare to wash the cadaver of
a recently deceased before burying him, according to a Jewish tradition.
The deceased possessed a tremendous sexual organ.
- Aaron, you see what I am seeing?
- Yes Jacob, I see it... it is as mine.
- That long?
- No, that dead. __________good!
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A young man walks up and sits down at the
bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. The man replies
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister." "6 Shots?!? Are you
celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well," says the bartender, "Congratulations. I'll
give you a 7th shot on the house." "No offense sir,"
the man replies, "but if 6 shots dont get rid of the taste, nothing
will." __________good!
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Two couple live across the hall in an apartment
building. Both are having martial problems to the extent that they
are fighting all of the time. The couple on the right side of the
hall decide to go to a marriage counselor. The other couple thinks
that this is worthless but said thay would try counseling if it was
successful for their friends.
The counselor listens to their problems and then refers them for a
physical exam. The doctor gives the counselor a written report which
her reviews and joyfully announces, "I can help you! On the way
home from this appointment, you must stop at the grocery store. Ma'am,
you will purchase some grapes, and , Sir, you will purchase some doughnuts.
When either of you feels like arguing, take these items and place
them in your private areas. The other will then devour the food item.
This will keep you from arguing." They follow the counselor's
adivse and no longer argue. The second couple, amazed by the results,
go to the same counselor. They also submit to a physical exam. After
reviewing the doctor's notes, the counselor says, "I'm sorry.
I cannot help you." The wife pleads, "But you did so much
for our friends." The coounselor, moved by the display, says,
"Okay, I'll try. On the way home from this appointment, you must
stop at the grocery store. Ma'am, you will buy some apples, and, Sir,
you will buy a box of Cheerios..."__________new
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A desperate man goes to the doctor because
he can't get a hard-on.
He says " Doc I can't live without sex, I need the use of my
equipment back!! " The Doc says " There is an experimental
procedure where the mucles of a baby elephants' trunk are removed
and implanted in your penis, this gives you the full use of your penis."
Great I'll do it. Some time after the procedure, the man is at dinner
with his date.
He feels a rustle in his pants. So he just ignored it. It happens
again.
So he figured it just needed some air. So he unzips his pants to let
it out. The problem seemed to go away until his penis reached up onto
the table, grabbed a roll and disapeared back under the table. His
date stared in complete awe and said " Can you do that again".
He said " Probally but I don't think I could fit another roll
up my ass."__________new
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One night, a couple is in the bed and the
husband smoothly caresses their wife's arm... the wife is turned and
she tells him:
- I'm sorry but I have an appointment with the ginecologist tomorrow
and I want to be fresh.
The husband, rejected, turns back to his bed side and tries to sleep...
Some minutes later it turns again and it uncovers her wife again ,he
whispers to her:
- Have you an appointment with the dentist tomorrow too?
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One day there was an elephant walking through
the jungle. She was in a lot of pain because she had a thorn in her
foot. She was complaining about the thorn and said, "I wish someone
could help me get this thorn out of my foot".
At that same time there was a horny little ant wandering around on
the jungle floor. All the ant could think about was having sex. The
ant then happened to hear the elephant walking nearby.
The elephant then said, "I would do anything to get this thorn
out of my foot."
The ant then sensed an opportunity and approached the elephant. The
ant says, "I'll get that thorn out of your foot if you'll have
sex with me." The elephant was a bit confused by what she was
hearing but figured that it was her best chance to get the thorn out
of her foot. She agreed to let the ant have sex with her if he pulled
the thorn out of her foot. The ant then pulled the thorn out of the
elephants foot and then proceeded to climb up the elephants back leg.
The ant moved the elephants tail out of the way and started to make
love to the elephant.
A monkey was in a tree nearby and was watching this situation unfold.
He figured he would have some fun with the ant and the elephant so
he pulled a coconut from the tree and threw it down at them. The cocnut
hit the elephant in the head and she said, "Ouch!"
So the ant says, "Take it all bitch"__________new!
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A boy went into a hoare house and said he
wanted an AIDS's infected prostitute. The woman at reception said
room 9 top of the hall.
He went to the room and did his business.When he was leaving she asked
him why he wanted her she being aids infected.
The boy answered,"When I go home i'll sleep with the babysitter
then my dad will sleep with the babysitter then my dad will sleep
with my mam then in the morning my mam will fuck the milkman and thats
the BASTARD that ran over my dog.__________new!
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A Koala and a Prostitiute had just finished
having sex, so the Prostitute said, " All right, now give me
my money!" The Koala replied, " Money, what for?" "
What for?", the Prostitute growled, "Look up Prostitute
in the dictionary and read what it says."
So the Koala looked up prostitute in the dictionary. It said, "Prostitute-
A woman who is paid to have sex." " Okay," said the
Koala, " now you look up Koala in the dictionary, and read what
it says."
So the Prostitute looked up Koala in the dictionary. It said, "Koala-
A furry animal who eats bush, then leaves." __________new!
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Mother Teaches Her Child To Go To The Bathroom
Mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers:
1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin.
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly.
She did check on him often to see if he had learned the lesson, and
heard 1,2,3,4,5,6,7.
She was very happy until one day she checked and heard 3-5, 3-5, 3-5.
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One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My
elbow really hurts.
I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said,
"don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can
diagnose anything quicker & cheaper than a doctor. Simply put
in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your
problem and tell you what you can do about it and it only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine
sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and the various lights started
flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and
how it would change medical
science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,
and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to
the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited
the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises and printed out
the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin
girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get
better.
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Some newly-weds arrive to the hotel and the
girl very afraid tells her husband:
"Honey, I don't know nothing of this, can you help me, please?"
I will Honey, starting from this instant, we will call your thing
the prison and my thing will we call the prisoner, so... we will put
the prisoner in the prison"
And they throw the first one. and the guy is laying face up on the
bed, but the girl was delighted and tells her husband:
"Love, the prisoner is outside the prison!!!"
The guy not very delighted tells her:
"Lets put him into the prison another time!!"
And the second ...but the girl is very sweet-toothed and she tells
him:
"!! Honey !!!... .The prisoner is out again!!!"
The man rises, with the legs like a recently born foal.
And they throw the third!!! He is laying on the bed, exhausted and
the girl says:
"!!! Honey, the prisoner escaped again!!!"
And he answers with his last breath:
"HEY !, It's not life imprisonment!!
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It was the hour of the bad of Padre Juan and
the young Sister Magdalena had prepared the towels and the water for
the bad, just as the old Sor Ete had indicated her.
The sister Magdalena had been well educated of not looking to the
nakedness of Father Juan, and if she could then she would help in
everything that he requested.
In the following morning, the old Sor Ete asked to the sister Magdalena
how the bad had been. "Oh sister", told her the young nun
in an enthusiast way, "I have been saved."
"Saved??? and how did so great event happen??", asked the
old Sister.
"Well, when the father Juan was in the tub, he requested me to
wash him and while he was washing himself, he guided my hand down
among hes legs, while he told me that there the Lord kept the Key
to Heaven."
"The wise thing"! the old Sister said sourly.
Sister Magdalena continues with the story... The father Juan said
that if the Key of Heaven coincided with my lock, the portals of the
Sky would open up for me and I would have insured the salvation and
the eternal peace. And the father Juan guided his Key from Heaven
to my Lock."
"At the beginning it hurted terribly, but the father Juan told
me that the route to the salvation is often painful and that the glory
of God soon would fill my heart with ecstasy. And it was this way
and it felt so well being saved."
"That old devil... the old nun said. "He told me that it
was the Trumpet
of Angel Gabriel, and I have been blowing it for 40 years."__________good!
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A guy is driving his car and finds a friend
crying, sitting on the road.
He stops.
And he asks him:
- Hey, What happens to you?
- (crying) Look! and he points a crashed car.
- Well, don't care and buy another car.
- Look inside the car!
- Well, don't care and get another blonde, and that's all.
- Look inside her mouth!!!__________good!
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Wishing to prove to his wife that he loved
her for more than sex, the young man bought her a
lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions, however, the
devoted husband received a
suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. "I suppose,"
she said, "that now you expect
me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread." "Why?"
said the young man. "Don't we have a vase?"
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A pretty young lady goes to the doctor. "Doctor,
my husband doesn't want to have sex with me. He is so cold !"
"You need to turn him on", says the doctor, "try wearing
a nice dress. Put some soft music and open a good bottle of wine."
A week later...
"Doctor, I did what you said, but nothing happened !"
"Mhhh. I recommend you to watch some XXX rated movies with him,
and talk to him dirty words while he is watching the movies."
A week later...
"Doctor, again, nothing !"
"OK. I will give you this pills. Give him one disolved in water
in the moring. The pill will do efect in one to three days. These
are the best pills, they never fail."
The young lady disolved two pills in water, because she thought one
was to little.
One week later...
"Doctor. After two days nothing happened, but the third day,
as we were havinng dinner, he suddently throws all the cups and dishes
out of the table. He then puts me on the table, takes my clothes and
then makes me love... the best sex since years !"
"Oh, i'm glad to hear that, you must be very happy."
"Yes, but I will never go back to that restaurant !"__________good!
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A very old man went to a church, making this
confession:
- Father, I am 78 years old, I have been married for 40 years. All
these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I had sex
with an 21 year old woman.
- When was the last time you made a confession?
- I never have, I am Jewish.
- Then why are you telling it to me?
- I am telling it everybody ...
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Two old ladies were outside smoking one day
when it started to rain. One of the ladies took out a condom, cut
off the tip, and put it over her cigarette. The other lady said, 'Hey,
that's a good idea. What's that called?' The lady responded, 'It's
a condom.' The other lady said, 'Where can you get one of those?'
She said, 'Oh, just about any grocery of drug store.' So, the next
day, the lady went to a local drug store, went up to the cashier,
and said, 'I need to get some condoms.' The cashier looked at her
puzzled (because of her age) and said, 'UH, what size?' The lady responded,
'Hmm, one that would fit a camel.'
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Two sperm are in the
body looking for the egg when one of them starts to wonder why it
is taking so long. He asks the other sperm, "aren't we near the
uterus yet?"
"No," replied the other sperm, "we
haven't even gotten to the esophagus." __________good!
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One day, a family goes to the circus. Mom,
Dad, and son all get their tickets and sit down for the show. Just
as the elephants come into the ring, the father goes to get the snacks.
Suddenly, the little boy jumps up and down and points at the elephants.
'Mama, Mama, what's that?' he cried.
'That's the elephant's trunk,' she said.
'No, on the other end!'
'That's the tail,' she said.
'Nooo, under that!'
Embarassed, she said, 'its nothing,' and tried to draw his attention
away. The father returned but had forgotten drinks, so the mother
goes to the snack bar. As soon as she left the kid tugged at his father's
sleeve. 'Daddy, what's that?'
'The trunk.'
'No, on the other end.' 'The tail, son.'
'Nooo, under that.'
'That's the elephant's penis, son.'
The child thought for a second and said, 'But mama just said it was
nothing.'
'Well, son, your daddy has your mama pretty spoiled.'
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Q: What is the difference between ooh and
aah?
A: About three inches
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Mini Mouse suspects that Mickey has something
with another girl and asks:
- Are you fucking crazy ?
- No, I´m fucking Daisy.
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A young, promising medical student decides
to specialize in sexual disorders and goes to visit a facility which
has just accepted him as an intern. One of the resident physicians
takes him on a tour of the hospital.
All of a sudden, they pass a booth with a young man there masturbating
furiously. The intern turning to his superior asks about the man's
problem.
The resident responds, 'Oh, that man has an enormously over-active
sex drive and has to have twenty orgasms a day or he becomes seriously
ill.'
They move on through the hospital and eventually come upon another
man in a booth with his pants down around his ankles and a beautiful
blonde nurse on her knees in front of him lustily servicing him.
The intern inquiring to this man's trouble, the resident replies,
'Same problem, better health plan.' __________good!
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A woman got pulled
over by a traffic cop for speeding and she didn't have either her
driver's license or any other identification. She started pleading
with the cop to give her a break because she had received many other
tickets recently and couldn't afford to have any more points on her
record. She pleaded and pleaded with the cop to let her off with just
a warning and when her pleading was ignored, she finally broke down
and told the cop that she would do anything he asked if he would just
ignore this ticket.
The cop, realizing the opportunity he had,
agreed and started to unzip his pants, pulling out his member. The
woman, watching the cop, then blurted out, "Oh, no, not another
breathalizer test!"
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Two men lost their way in the jungle, and
were later captured by the cannibals. They were being brought to the
cannibals' chief.
The chief said to the first guy,"You have got two choices:- 'Banga'
or death?"
The first guy thought,"Nothing can be worst than death!"
So, he told the chief,"I choose 'Banga'!" The next moment,
he was being brought into a hut, and was being gang-banged by the
chief and 9 other cannibals. He cried in pain till the whole thing
ended. When he came out of the hut, he told the second guy,"Don't
choose 'Banga'. 'Banga' is very painful. Choose 'death'."
So, when the chief posed the same question to the second guy, without
hesitation he chose 'death'.
Upon hearing this, the cannibal chief said,"'Death'? 'Banga'
till death."
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